Why Protecting Your Child From Struggle Can Keep Them Stuck for Decades
When we talk about mental health, we tend to reach for the complex cases. But some of the patterns shaping our children’s lives are simple, common and completely free to change. This is one of them, and it may help you understand yourself too.
In twenty years of working with children, families and young adults across schools, alternative provision, prisons and private practice in London, I have seen one pattern more than almost any other. A loving parent, trying to protect their child, removes the very experiences that child needs to grow.
Which parenting struggles hold children back?
Two struggles sit at the heart of this pattern. One is about protecting the child. The other is about the parent protecting themselves. They often travel together, and from the outside both can look like love.
1. Struggling to allow independence. The parent gets into conflict with the people who act as catalysts for growth, such as teachers and coaches, or shields the child from controlled, predictable stress. That kind of stress is exactly what builds self esteem and resilience. Society often echoes this, treating all discomfort as harm and protecting children from the pain of growth.
2. Struggling to acknowledge their own flaws. When a child misbehaves, behaviour is communication. It tells us about an emotion the child cannot yet put into words, or shows a child learning through trial and error. Seeing it clearly, though, means a parent may also have to see something in themselves: a gap in their parenting, a pattern passed down from their own childhood, or a feeling they would rather not face. This is where shame intervenes. Instead of acknowledging the behaviour, the parent either enables it (“they didn’t mean it, the teacher is picking on them”) or punishes it harshly. Both responses do the same job. They protect the parent from their own pain, and they stunt the child’s growth.
In the first struggle, the child is shielded from the world. In the second, the parent is shielded from the mirror. Together, they can keep a child in a chokehold for decades.
How does a challenge actually build self-efficacy?
Real self belief is not something we can be told. It is built through experience. When a person faces a challenge and overcomes it, a whole factory process kicks in.
Step one: the brain detects the challenge. When you face something difficult, your brain processes the experience and activates systems involved in stress, emotion and learning. Chemical messengers such as cortisol, adrenaline and dopamine shift.
Step two: signals influence gene expression. Signals inside your cells can turn the activity of certain genes up or down. These genes carry the instructions for making proteins. The experience does not change your DNA sequence. It changes how your cells use particular genes.
Step three: proteins help the brain adapt. Neurons use these proteins to build and modify connections, regulate receptors and strengthen or weaken synapses. These changes encode what you learned from the experience.
Step four: you respond differently next time. If you successfully work through a challenge, your brain learns that the situation is manageable. With repetition, the systems involved in emotional regulation, confidence and coping become more effective.
Think of it like a gym. A muscle only grows when it is placed under a load it can just about handle, then given time to recover. Lift the weights for someone every session and they will leave the gym looking after themselves, but no stronger than when they arrived. Self efficacy works the same way.
Why don’t affirmations like “you’re smart” build confidence?
When we rob children of this process, we often fill the gap with affirmations: “You’re smart.” “You’re strong.” “You’re amazing.”
The objective quietly shifts from developing the child to making both parent and child feel good in the moment. The words are kind, but they are not evidence. The brain builds belief from what it has lived through, not from what it has been told.
So the child moves through adolescence experiencing the lows of not fulfilling their potential. They put on a brave face while everyone around them says how well they are doing, yet they feel every body blow: the failed exam, the poor sports performance, the friendships that never quite feel balanced or reciprocal.
What happens when the overprotected child becomes an adult?
A child receives high levels of empathy and support. An adult does not.
This is where the pain escalates. The child stays frozen in time. They mature in years, but in the areas that were never tested, they do not mature psychologically. They become an adult the world is not ready to make allowances for. The outcomes vary widely, from struggling to hold down a job or a relationship, to high risk mental health problems, and in some cases contact with the criminal justice system.
I have met many of these adults. Some were in therapy rooms. Some were in prison cells. Very often, the same story sat underneath.
Is all stress bad for children?
No. This is the most important distinction in the whole conversation.
Unpredictable, uncontrollable, high levels of stress are harmful. This is the territory of trauma, chaos and neglect.
Predictable, controllable stress is rewarding. Research on stress and resilience has consistently found that the sense of having some control over a challenge changes how the brain responds to it, and that manageable early challenges can help prepare people for later adversity. Psychologists sometimes call this stress inoculation. Like a vaccine, a small, safe dose teaches the system how to respond to the real thing.
The goal is not to remove stress from a child’s life. The goal is to choose the right kind.
What can I do about this?
As a parent
Sign your child up for activities that challenge them, led by a facilitator who is willing to push them. The idea is to use stress, not avoid it. Sport is excellent for this: there are clear rules, a predictable structure, real effort, and real outcomes.
Society has changed, and many “old school” coaches and teachers are now afraid to push children in the current climate. Those places still exist, though. When you find one, support the facilitator in keeping that environment, rather than stepping in the first time your child finds it hard.
As someone who was this child
Many adults who recognise themselves here put themselves into therapy, and therapy helps. I would also suggest the advice above. Choosing structured, predictable challenges as an adult, whether that is a martial art, a team sport, public speaking or a demanding course, gives your brain the lived evidence it missed. It works on an unconscious and biological level that talking alone cannot always reach.
As a facilitator or institution
There is currency in being different. Tell parents what you plan to do and why. Clear information reduces fear and increases buy in.
This matters because parents are surrounded by messaging that says otherwise, and as human beings we naturally guard our vulnerabilities. Your approach will connect to each parent’s own biography in one way or another, which links back to the two struggles at the top of this page, under the heading ‘Which parenting struggles hold children back?’.
Share this information before sign up. That way, part of the reason families come to you is the approach itself, and you are not fighting to justify it during your programme.
Key takeaways
Behaviour is communication. Shame makes parents either enable it or punish it, and both stunt growth.
Self belief is built through overcoming real challenges, not through affirmations.
Children who are shielded from manageable stress can stay psychologically “frozen” into adulthood.
Predictable, controllable stress builds resilience. Unpredictable, uncontrollable stress harms.
Structured activities such as sport, with a facilitator who pushes, are one of the simplest tools available to parents.
About Kevin George
Kevin George is a BACP registered therapist and Senior Family Therapist based in London, with over 20 years of experience working in education and mental health. His work has spanned mainstream state schools, specialist SEND schools and alternative provision, as well as adult prisons and young offender institutions. He works with families in private practice, private law and community mental health programmes.
Work with Kevin
Therapy for individuals, couples and families. Kevin offers online therapy and face to face sessions in London, plus a check in subscription for ongoing support between sessions. Explore therapy services.
Mental health and wellbeing support for schools. Clinical consultancy, staff training and wellbeing services for schools across the UK. Explore school services.
FAQ Frequently asked questions about boys, men and mental health
What is overprotective parenting?
Overprotective parenting is when a parent shields a child from challenges, discomfort or consequences that the child could safely manage, often by clashing with teachers or coaches or by removing predictable stress from the child’s life.
Can overprotective parenting affect a child into adulthood?
Yes. Children who are not given the chance to overcome challenges can struggle to build genuine self belief, and those difficulties can follow them into adult work, relationships and mental health.
Is stress good for children?
Predictable, controllable stress helps children build resilience and self esteem. Unpredictable, uncontrollable, high levels of stress, such as trauma or chaos at home, are harmful.
Why don’t affirmations build confidence?
Affirmations such as “you’re smart” feel good but do not provide evidence. The brain builds confidence from lived experience of overcoming difficulty, not from praise alone.
What activities help build resilience in children?
Sport is one of the best options because it offers clear structure, effort, feedback and real outcomes. Martial arts, drama, music and outdoor challenges can work in the same way when led by a facilitator who pushes children appropriately.
I think I was an overprotected child. What can I do as an adult?
Therapy can help you understand the pattern. Kevin also recommends choosing structured, predictable challenges as an adult, as they give the brain the lived evidence it missed earlier in life.
How can schools and clubs get parents on board with a challenging approach?
Explain what you will do and why before families sign up. Clear information reduces fear, increases buy in, and means families choose you because of the approach.
